All Occasion Bluetooth Guy

Buddy, come on.  Bluetooth attached to your ear, on line at the supermarket.  Bluetooth attached to your ear, sitting down to eat a burger.  In Home Depot, Barnes and Noble, and at the DMV.  In the waiting room of your Proctologist's office, as if there’s anything more critical than the guy about to shove half his arm up your ass.  Bluetooth attached to your ear while sipping on a cup of coffee in the morning.  Nobody calls anyone in the morning.

I feel bad for the kid cutting your cold cuts.  You're staring at him, screaming, "You better DVR Modern Family".  Poor kids confused, he's got bad vision.  Enough with this thing.  Keep it in the car, where it belongs.  It was created for drivers, so that they don't run people over.

Holy Diagonal Parking Job Batman! He's at it again!

It's the 'Park Where Ever He Wants' Guy!

Facebook Check-In Guy

 Letting the public know you've been to Duane Reade, Chilli's, and Sports Authority, all in one day.

                                                                                                                             

The 'Reenacting a Fight' Guy

"And then I moved back, and BAM, clocked that motha*&^** in his head!"

"Damn son," said the other white kid.

"Put that dude to sleep!"

It's hard to keep that ego in, isn't it?  Ya got in a scuffle a couple weeks back, and haven't seen your boy since the Meth show at Terminal Five.  There's some catching up to do.  It was a two punch, three second, hit and run, but you'll add a couple jabs and a, "I think that dude needed stitches" line, just to play it up. 

Homey, you're getting a 5 / 5 on our Gotta Go Spector Scale.  Why?  Because this is just one of many 'Gotta Go' qualities you've been blessed with.  Word is bond, son.

Just to clarify, your tag name is 'Sour', and you've decided to write 'Sour', everywhere on campus.

Oh wait, 'Sour' is a type of pot.  Oh, okay, I get it now.

Cool man, 'Sour'.

Staff Member Accusation Alert!

As media messengers, it is our duty to report anything and everything that is ‘Gotta Go’ worthy.  There’s been a leaked text and picture between staff members. No one’s come forth to accept or deny these accusations.  As of now, it’s a head-scratcher.  I’d like to address this formally via the blog:

Dear Guy Staff Member With Rumored Tramp Stamp:

This is a safe place to work.  If you’d like to speak privately about this matter, please e-mail me at guysthatgottago@gmail.com   

We also have a Psychologist on site.  If you'd prefer discussing this matter with her, that’s fine as well.  I can only imagine the pain and ridicule you’ve endured throughout the years, and the fact that they're drama faces, yikes.

  

                                                        

Just in case there's not enough room in the pack.

                     

Trip to the ATM Guy

Through thick and thin, through good times and bad, through all the years  of your friendship, there will always be one guy-friend who needs to find an ATM.  He’ll never have cash.  He’ll never go to his local bank before hitting the highway.  Just as you find a parking spot in Manhattan, after driving around for seventeen minutes, you'll hear, "I gotta hit up a Chase, though.  I got no cash on me."  

Your eyes roll back.  You loudly sigh.  Your buddy sitting shotgun shakes his head. 

“Always with this guy.  Every time we go out, like clockwork.”

“Yeah, big inconvenience I am, right?”

Don’t expect him to go to a random ATM, one that has a $2.50 convenience fee.   He’ll make a point to tell you how those ATM'S are a “scam”.  Refrain from getting into it, because this conversation will potentially lead to debates on societal issues.  

Trip to the ATM Guy, we’re giving ya 2 / 5 on our Gotta Go Spector Scale.  You’re a good friend and we love you.  There is a ten second span where we wouldn't mind a lion coming in through the car window and eating your head, but we do accept you for who you are.  I guess one more pit stop ain’t all that bad.  

Could have gotten cash earlier though, you really could have.

 

coming soon to everything near you...

The Good, the Bad and the Guy with the Cellphone Clip

 

 

Guy Who Parks Where Ever He Wants Guy

Holy Pumpkin Spiced Latte Batman!  There he is again!  It's The Guy Who Parks Where Ever He Wants Guy! 

On the yellow curb?  Sure, why not?  In front of the dumpster where employees empty the trash?  Yes sir.  Twelve feet past the last legal spot where customers conveniently pass through (or inconveniently now that you've decided to land your Passat there)?  Whatever works right guy?  Your world, your rules, your German automobile and your caffeine fix, top priority pal.  We should have known, silly us.

Look for this impatient specimen of a human to rock his hazards, double parked, while getting a sandwich on a busy street; make hard rights without using his turn signal, and drive fifty in a residential area. The worst.


Congrats 'Park Where Ever You Want Guy', you get a 4 / 5 on our Gotta Go Spector Scale!

Can I have a Stoli Redbull?

The Overly Physical Guy Friend

Oh boy, you're in a pickle.  One more groomsmen to make it eight.  It's between Cousin Mike and Vinnie, your overly physical guy friend.  You should probably go with family, but you've had one too many inebriated conversations with Vinnie that went something like this:

YOU:  It's all bullshit bro.  In the end, all you got is your family and your boys.
VIN:   Boys for life (hard punch to the arm) !!!!
YOU: You're definitely in my wedding, for sure.
VIN:  That is if we ever stop crushing chicks and decide to settle down!
YOU:  YEAH!
VIN: I will freaking crush your head though, always remember that.
YOU: Oh snap, yeah you will!

He's going to remember this.  Oh yes he is buddy.  You can't help but remember him gleeking on your arm in 8th grade lunch, towel snapping you after wrestling practice, wet-willies in study hall, crotch slap before sitting down at PF Changs, and a charlie-horse walking into the Giants game.  He never stops, ever.  If you were tougher you'd tell him to cut it out.  You'd tell him it's not your fault he was a bad D3 linebacker, but you can't, he'll beat the shit out of you.

What to do?  You and I both know he's not making the cut for the wedding.

Better wear a cup and some shoulder pads for that sitdown.

Guys that do the 'JETS' chant in a bar

The Jets chant is catchy.  If you're at a game and hear 80,000 people doing it in unison, you feel the energy.  You don't have to be a Jets fan to understand that.

But screaming 'J E T S JETS JETS JETS' repeatedly in a bar when there's three other games on, yours is at halftime and Sanchez is already three for eleven, doesn't feel right.  Wait for the moment brother man, wait for the moment.

One of the creators of Guys That Gotta Go couldn't help but shoot me a text while driving home from work.  They're everywhere, these guys.

Guys that smoke a vapor cigarette at a bar

One of the toughest habits to break is smoking cigarettes, no doubt about it, but a vapor cigarette at a bar, while talking to an attractive young lady?  Come on buddy, you’re better than this.  How many times do you think you’ve said, ‘This things wild.  It’s really helping me out though.  I gotta tell ya’.

And the vapor cigarette holder?  For crying out loud, you look like a madam holding a sting operation in the 1920’s, silly guy.  Go in the bathroom with that nonsense, or outside with the rest of the smokers.  You’re still one of them, they’ll understand, believe me.  They’ll make fun of you when you go back inside, but they’ll understand.

I have a friend who used to be addicted to strip clubs.  He’s fine now.  Needless to say, he’s not rolling up to bars with a blow-up doll.

Guys that passively force you to watch online videos

Guy 1: Dude, have you seen the uhh, epic fail videos dude?

Guy 2: No. Actually, maybe (you instantly realize you should have lied).

Guy 1:  You have a laptop?

Guy 2:  Yeah.

Again, you could have lied and said you had a bad internet connection or slow computer, but you were contemplating how this guy’s gotta go, so you wound up saying 'Yeah' just to get him off your back.  Get a pack of Skittles partner, web-clip time.

Four minutes in.  You’re mumbling disconnected phrases like 'Cool man', 'Nice', 'That’s crazy' and 'This video’s long huh?'  It is long.  Seven minutes too long.  How many times can you see a skater’s balls hit a railing, or a heavy set woman break a chair she’s sitting in?  At that moment, a car driving through your bedroom would be a blessing.  Eventually, you’ll break and tarnish the friendship a smidgen.

Guy 2:  Brother, I love ya, but, I’m not a big online video guy.

Guy 1:  Too cool for that right?  But you can start your own blog though right?  Mr. Cool Journalism Major Blog Guy, huh?  Sweet life man.

Guy 2:  Sorry.

Guys that have shore-houses after twenty-seven

We feel ya buddy, five years out of college, subtle gut from beer and bad Hoboken pizza, locked into your sales job, waiting for that Friday happy hour.  Highlights of your day include eating lunch, greeting that “smoking” chick who sits four cubicles over and inappropriate e-mails from other workers. That’s it.  Welcome to twenty-seven.

Then December rolls around…its shore house shopping time.  You gather the boys at one of the sixty-three cheesy Hoboken bars (Black Bear, Lana Lounge, 10^th and Willow) to discuss amount of people in shore house, area of South Jersey (“The Squan”, Belmar, Point Pleasant) and length of stay. There’s usually a ring leader, the guy that has the house, area and people picked out.  He most likely rocks sunglasses backwards on his head, too many Facebook pictures and a couple tickets for public intoxication in his “college days”. This guy’s gotta go too. 

Shore house purchased.  You guys agree that you’re older now, more mature, so you get a quaint little joint in Spring Lake with two less guys (the ones you never really liked are out).

There’s hope for your lethargic life, there’s a shore house coming your way Memorial Day, take a breath compadre. It’s all gravy, except you're twenty-seven, you spend all your time in Belmar and Manasquan, and you’re still playing flip-cup.  The house in Spring Lake was to falsely convince yourself you’re an adult now.

“Yeah, we got a house in Spring Lake.  Belmar's too crazy for my blood now.  I’m an old man.”

Suit-man by day, Summer All-Star by night, almost thirty and still writing with a sharpie on your passed out buddy.

Let it go pal.

Guys with Charlie Sheen "Winning" T-shirts

The Charlie Sheen tirade was a wet dream for guys that listen to bad hip hop, do coke and have barbed wire tattoos (all gotta go as well).  They most likely possess other horrible shirts (Sour Diesel, Zach Galifinanakis in Hangover, Big Lebowski, Scarface).  After his hot mess of an interview you probably heard a couple imbeciles have a predictable stop and chat over a stupid handshake and a Hennessy and Coke that went something along the lines of:

Guy 1:  Dude, how fucking crazy is Charlie Sheen?

Guy 2:  Winning!

Guy 1: Banging 7 gram rocks kid (a hint to the other guy that he 'parties')!

Guy 2:  Yeah!  Crazy fuck! That shirt is hot son.

Guy 1:  Dope right?

Nope, not dope, not funny, not unique and probably not going to be worn after three months.  

Guys that wear sunglasses in bars

There's no need to wear sunglasses in a bar.  You look stupid.  You're not a spy, you're not a drug dealer, you're not a bad-ass.  You may very well firmly believe that you look cool or perhaps you're resurrecting a trend, but, it never was a trend, nor will it ever be.  Unless you're at a pool or hotel party, there's no need to wear sunglasses in a bar atmosphere.  Sunglasses are worn to prevent the sun, there's no sun in a bar at 11:30 pm on a Friday.

Fantasy Football Fanatic Guy

We all know this guy, right?  The guy at the bar who screams, "Go Ravens Defense!", yet has a Colts jersey on.  He'll bend your ear about who’s on waivers, QB ratings, ranked defenses, sleeper picks, productive tight ends, and who needs to "come up big this week”.  The fantasy epidemic hit this young man, and it him him hard. 

Look for these traits/qualities:

•          Mildly athletic in high school
•          Never an avid football fan, until his first draft seven years ago (he was probably 19 then)
•          In a league with friends and “another league” that he doesn’t pay as much attention to because he got experimental when drafting, and is now off to an 0 – 4 start.
•          Believes in a time constraint during draft rounds
•          Hosts the Fantasy Draft (also probably league administrator)
•          Wears a football jersey during the Fantasy Draft
•          Gets mad when people become inattentive during draft
•          Usually says this at some point during the draft, “I avoid drafting players within the conference of the team I root for.  I’m a GMEN fan.  I hate The Eagles, so I’m definitely not taking Vick.”  Thanks for the heads up guy.
•      Posts corny questions in league polls like, "When was the last time Eric got laid?" or, "Is Tim's team going to win a game?"
•          Consumes the thirty minutes you get at lunch break with fantasy banter
•          Knows more about football stats than football fans
•          While at a bar, he'll say things like, “Foster is a beast man” and, “Thank god for my kicker”, and “Rodgers hasn’t thrown a pick in 98 pass attempts”
•          Has a team name making fun of another guy in the league, i.e. Marks Hot Wife 
•     Hates when people don't pay for the pool right away
•    Has his laptop, fantasy magazines, and mock draft strategy ready and accessible during drafting
•   Doesn't get laid enough or ever
  

Guys that have bullet hole decals...

These guys are something else.  Fake bullet holes on the side of their car, yikes.  You’ll notice this at a red light and say to yourself, “Really? Did that guy’s car get shot up?”  Inch a bit closer to get a look at his face.  He’s usually white, scruffy, Big Gulp Mountain Dew in the cup holder, …And Justice for All blaring in his speakers.   

 

Bullet hole decals.  These exist and guys purchase them. Gotta Go buddy.  You just gotta go.   

(note: guys that listen to Drake may have these as well)

Guys that tell you the entire plot of a movie...

No need to see that film.  There’s that guy at the bar you befriended after a couple of beers, that will without a doubt, tell you everything you need to know, frame by frame, word for word.   


You thought you were cool when you mentioned you’re a film buff.  You overheard him say something about John Carpenter, so you interjected in an attempt to sound well-versed. 

“Halloween is an excellent film, probably the greatest thriller ever.”

“I agree man! Actually have you seen….”    That’s it, you’re done.  Forever locked into film content with the slightly overweight Sam Adams guy at your local pub.  A guaranteed ten minute stop and chat about a flic you’ll never see.  You never know when he’s done talking because every sentence ends with, “It was just great, you gotta see it.” 

“Yeah man, I’ll check it out.”  You inch towards the jukebox…

“And then he comes back from being buried, and he says like, he says like 'You won’t ever kill me' or maybe it’s, no, that’s right, that’s what he says.”  You nod while thinking to yourself,

“This guy has no idea that he’s gotta go.”