Wrong band buddy...

Bright in there huh partner?

 

Angry Bird Tattoo Spotting

Speechless

It's a Hipster-ful Life

Look, Daddy! Teacher says, every time an Apple product's sold, a hipster gets a stupid #$@% bike.

That's right, that's right.

Middle finger to the camera Guy

Brotherman, your message to the camera is, “F*** You, Camera”.  Apparently you’re passionate about this, because thirty out of your two hundred Facebook pictures are you, flipping the bird, half drunk, with either a girl that's 'gotta go' counterpart in the background or at some stuffy basement party with your 'boys'. 

Our staff has come up with a plan for you, guy.  We would like to finance holiday greeting cards of you and that unbelievable looking finger of yours, under the condition that you send these cards to all of your family members come the holiday season.  Deal?

 Why not?

 

 

Death Grip Remote Guy

 Not even over your dead body

Guy with Pot T-shirt

Expect this type of shirt from the guy who was an identity seeker fresh out of high school.  The guy who bought it in a head shop in tenth grade.  Because of his tight-knit, suburban upbringing, he was never able to show it off during those budding adolescent years.

Then college came, and he went to Rock the Bells.  He saw other guys that ‘gotta go’ wearing shirts that say SOUR and KUSH, maybe even a Che Guevara tank top if they’re Poli Sci majors.   

 

Eventually he’ll turn thirty, move out of his parent’s house and say, “I don’t know about this shirt.”  Until then, he'll keep it hipster with that pot shirt, because he smokes pot, and everyone should know that as soon as he steps outside everyday.

Because the four people that pressed it before you didn’t have that special touch.

Ya wanna know what I make a year?

Guys that ask for a free drink

GUY:  This ones on you, right?

BARTENDER:  Ha.

Let’s clear this up for all those self-entitled patrons out there.  Bartenders don’t own the bar.  They don’t own the liquor on the shelves, or the plates they serve the food on.  They own a shitty car, pay too much for their health insurance, and get waxed on student loan interest.   They’re not going to feel bad for you because your tab is seventy-four dollars.

Don’t ask for a free drink.  It makes you sound like a prick.  However, in your case it wouldn't have mattered, you blew your chance when you asked to change the TV station as soon as you sat down.

Guys that think strippers 'really like' them

GUY 1:  Can we go now please?

GUY 2:  Hold on, this one keeps looking at me.

GUY 1:  No she's not.

GUY 2:  Bro, everytime I come here she’s all over my shit.

GUY 1:  No.

GUY 2:  I’m telling you, I mean, I know she’s a stripper, but she looks at me different.

GUY 1:  I’ll be in the car.

Wake Up

 Bandana, boom.  Frosted tips, bing. Sixteen bracelets on both wrists, bango.  Let's do this.

Gungans That Gotta Go

The Off-putting Facebook Guy

We know these guys.  Cyber animals with “The Hangover” humor.  You better believe they're posting pictures of MILFS, photo-shopped genitalia, handicap jokes, STD one-liners, and shock value web-clips on your wall to all.

Now, they're even tagging you in status updates, i.e. 'What a crazy night with Jimmy Franta from Applebees.  We got smashed after work!'  Thanks for that buddy.  Just in case we need to click on Applebees page, and say, "Hey, this is Applebees page."

You unfriend them, you get an e-mail that reads, "Hey, dude, did something happen on Facebook? I don’t think we’re friends anymore.”  If you delete their posts, you’ll get an awkward glance upon your next interaction, followed by a, "Sup dude".  No way out.

Unless of course, you prevent everyone from posting anything...except when your birthday comes around. 

 

Enough said, guy.

Socks with Sandals Guy

  Why?

All Occasion Bluetooth Guy

Buddy, come on.  Bluetooth attached to your ear, on line at the supermarket.  Bluetooth attached to your ear, sitting down to eat a burger.  In Home Depot, Barnes and Noble, and at the DMV.  In the waiting room of your Proctologist's office, as if there’s anything more critical than the guy about to shove half his arm up your ass.  Bluetooth attached to your ear while sipping on a cup of coffee in the morning.  Nobody calls anyone in the morning.

I feel bad for the kid cutting your cold cuts.  You're staring at him, screaming, "You better DVR Modern Family".  Poor kids confused, he's got bad vision.  Enough with this thing.  Keep it in the car, where it belongs.  It was created for drivers, so that they don't run people over.

Holy Diagonal Parking Job Batman! He's at it again!

It's the 'Park Where Ever He Wants' Guy!

Facebook Check-In Guy

 Letting the public know you've been to Duane Reade, Chilli's, and Sports Authority, all in one day.

                                                                                                                             

The 'Reenacting a Fight' Guy

"And then I moved back, and BAM, clocked that motha*&^** in his head!"

"Damn son," said the other white kid.

"Put that dude to sleep!"

It's hard to keep that ego in, isn't it?  Ya got in a scuffle a couple weeks back, and haven't seen your boy since the Meth show at Terminal Five.  There's some catching up to do.  It was a two punch, three second, hit and run, but you'll add a couple jabs and a, "I think that dude needed stitches" line, just to play it up. 

Homey, you're getting a 5 / 5 on our Gotta Go Spector Scale.  Why?  Because this is just one of many 'Gotta Go' qualities you've been blessed with.  Word is bond, son.

Just to clarify, your tag name is 'Sour', and you've decided to write 'Sour', everywhere on campus.

Oh wait, 'Sour' is a type of pot.  Oh, okay, I get it now.

Cool man, 'Sour'.

Staff Member Accusation Alert!

As media messengers, it is our duty to report anything and everything that is ‘Gotta Go’ worthy.  There’s been a leaked text and picture between staff members. No one’s come forth to accept or deny these accusations.  As of now, it’s a head-scratcher.  I’d like to address this formally via the blog:

Dear Guy Staff Member With Rumored Tramp Stamp:

This is a safe place to work.  If you’d like to speak privately about this matter, please e-mail me at guysthatgottago@gmail.com   

We also have a Psychologist on site.  If you'd prefer discussing this matter with her, that’s fine as well.  I can only imagine the pain and ridicule you’ve endured throughout the years, and the fact that they're drama faces, yikes.

  

                                                        

Just in case there's not enough room in the pack.

                     

Trip to the ATM Guy

Through thick and thin, through good times and bad, through all the years  of your friendship, there will always be one guy-friend who needs to find an ATM.  He’ll never have cash.  He’ll never go to his local bank before hitting the highway.  Just as you find a parking spot in Manhattan, after driving around for seventeen minutes, you'll hear, "I gotta hit up a Chase, though.  I got no cash on me."  

Your eyes roll back.  You loudly sigh.  Your buddy sitting shotgun shakes his head. 

“Always with this guy.  Every time we go out, like clockwork.”

“Yeah, big inconvenience I am, right?”

Don’t expect him to go to a random ATM, one that has a $2.50 convenience fee.   He’ll make a point to tell you how those ATM'S are a “scam”.  Refrain from getting into it, because this conversation will potentially lead to debates on societal issues.  

Trip to the ATM Guy, we’re giving ya 2 / 5 on our Gotta Go Spector Scale.  You’re a good friend and we love you.  There is a ten second span where we wouldn't mind a lion coming in through the car window and eating your head, but we do accept you for who you are.  I guess one more pit stop ain’t all that bad.  

Could have gotten cash earlier though, you really could have.

 

coming soon to everything near you...

The Good, the Bad and the Guy with the Cellphone Clip

 

 

Guy Who Parks Where Ever He Wants Guy

Holy Pumpkin Spiced Latte Batman!  There he is again!  It's The Guy Who Parks Where Ever He Wants Guy! 

On the yellow curb?  Sure, why not?  In front of the dumpster where employees empty the trash?  Yes sir.  Twelve feet past the last legal spot where customers conveniently pass through (or inconveniently now that you've decided to land your Passat there)?  Whatever works right guy?  Your world, your rules, your German automobile and your caffeine fix, top priority pal.  We should have known, silly us.

Look for this impatient specimen of a human to rock his hazards, double parked, while getting a sandwich on a busy street; make hard rights without using his turn signal, and drive fifty in a residential area. The worst.


Congrats 'Park Where Ever You Want Guy', you get a 4 / 5 on our Gotta Go Spector Scale!

Can I have a Stoli Redbull?

The Overly Physical Guy Friend

Oh boy, you're in a pickle.  One more groomsmen to make it eight.  It's between Cousin Mike and Vinnie, your overly physical guy friend.  You should probably go with family, but you've had one too many inebriated conversations with Vinnie that went something like this:

YOU:  It's all bullshit bro.  In the end, all you got is your family and your boys.
VIN:   Boys for life (hard punch to the arm) !!!!
YOU: You're definitely in my wedding, for sure.
VIN:  That is if we ever stop crushing chicks and decide to settle down!
YOU:  YEAH!
VIN: I will freaking crush your head though, always remember that.
YOU: Oh snap, yeah you will!

He's going to remember this.  Oh yes he is buddy.  You can't help but remember him gleeking on your arm in 8th grade lunch, towel snapping you after wrestling practice, wet-willies in study hall, crotch slap before sitting down at PF Changs, and a charlie-horse walking into the Giants game.  He never stops, ever.  If you were tougher you'd tell him to cut it out.  You'd tell him it's not your fault he was a bad D3 linebacker, but you can't, he'll beat the shit out of you.

What to do?  You and I both know he's not making the cut for the wedding.

Better wear a cup and some shoulder pads for that sitdown.

Guys that do the 'JETS' chant in a bar

The Jets chant is catchy.  If you're at a game and hear 80,000 people doing it in unison, you feel the energy.  You don't have to be a Jets fan to understand that.

But screaming 'J E T S JETS JETS JETS' repeatedly in a bar when there's three other games on, yours is at halftime and Sanchez is already three for eleven, doesn't feel right.  Wait for the moment brother man, wait for the moment.

One of the creators of Guys That Gotta Go couldn't help but shoot me a text while driving home from work.  They're everywhere, these guys.

Guys that smoke a vapor cigarette at a bar

One of the toughest habits to break is smoking cigarettes, no doubt about it, but a vapor cigarette at a bar, while talking to an attractive young lady?  Come on buddy, you’re better than this.  How many times do you think you’ve said, ‘This things wild.  It’s really helping me out though.  I gotta tell ya’.

And the vapor cigarette holder?  For crying out loud, you look like a madam holding a sting operation in the 1920’s, silly guy.  Go in the bathroom with that nonsense, or outside with the rest of the smokers.  You’re still one of them, they’ll understand, believe me.  They’ll make fun of you when you go back inside, but they’ll understand.

I have a friend who used to be addicted to strip clubs.  He’s fine now.  Needless to say, he’s not rolling up to bars with a blow-up doll.