All Occasion Bluetooth Guy

Buddy, come on.  Bluetooth attached to your ear, on line at the supermarket.  Bluetooth attached to your ear, sitting down to eat a burger.  In Home Depot, Barnes and Noble, and at the DMV.  In the waiting room of your Proctologist's office, as if there’s anything more critical than the guy about to shove half his arm up your ass.  Bluetooth attached to your ear while sipping on a cup of coffee in the morning.  Nobody calls anyone in the morning.

I feel bad for the kid cutting your cold cuts.  You're staring at him, screaming, "You better DVR Modern Family".  Poor kids confused, he's got bad vision.  Enough with this thing.  Keep it in the car, where it belongs.  It was created for drivers, so that they don't run people over.

Holy Diagonal Parking Job Batman! He's at it again!

It's the 'Park Where Ever He Wants' Guy!

Facebook Check-In Guy

 Letting the public know you've been to Duane Reade, Chilli's, and Sports Authority, all in one day.

                                                                                                                             

The 'Reenacting a Fight' Guy

"And then I moved back, and BAM, clocked that motha*&^** in his head!"

"Damn son," said the other white kid.

"Put that dude to sleep!"

It's hard to keep that ego in, isn't it?  Ya got in a scuffle a couple weeks back, and haven't seen your boy since the Meth show at Terminal Five.  There's some catching up to do.  It was a two punch, three second, hit and run, but you'll add a couple jabs and a, "I think that dude needed stitches" line, just to play it up. 

Homey, you're getting a 5 / 5 on our Gotta Go Spector Scale.  Why?  Because this is just one of many 'Gotta Go' qualities you've been blessed with.  Word is bond, son.

Just to clarify, your tag name is 'Sour', and you've decided to write 'Sour', everywhere on campus.

Oh wait, 'Sour' is a type of pot.  Oh, okay, I get it now.

Cool man, 'Sour'.

Staff Member Accusation Alert!

As media messengers, it is our duty to report anything and everything that is ‘Gotta Go’ worthy.  There’s been a leaked text and picture between staff members. No one’s come forth to accept or deny these accusations.  As of now, it’s a head-scratcher.  I’d like to address this formally via the blog:

Dear Guy Staff Member With Rumored Tramp Stamp:

This is a safe place to work.  If you’d like to speak privately about this matter, please e-mail me at guysthatgottago@gmail.com   

We also have a Psychologist on site.  If you'd prefer discussing this matter with her, that’s fine as well.  I can only imagine the pain and ridicule you’ve endured throughout the years, and the fact that they're drama faces, yikes.

  

                                                        

Just in case there's not enough room in the pack.

                     

Trip to the ATM Guy

Through thick and thin, through good times and bad, through all the years  of your friendship, there will always be one guy-friend who needs to find an ATM.  He’ll never have cash.  He’ll never go to his local bank before hitting the highway.  Just as you find a parking spot in Manhattan, after driving around for seventeen minutes, you'll hear, "I gotta hit up a Chase, though.  I got no cash on me."  

Your eyes roll back.  You loudly sigh.  Your buddy sitting shotgun shakes his head. 

“Always with this guy.  Every time we go out, like clockwork.”

“Yeah, big inconvenience I am, right?”

Don’t expect him to go to a random ATM, one that has a $2.50 convenience fee.   He’ll make a point to tell you how those ATM'S are a “scam”.  Refrain from getting into it, because this conversation will potentially lead to debates on societal issues.  

Trip to the ATM Guy, we’re giving ya 2 / 5 on our Gotta Go Spector Scale.  You’re a good friend and we love you.  There is a ten second span where we wouldn't mind a lion coming in through the car window and eating your head, but we do accept you for who you are.  I guess one more pit stop ain’t all that bad.  

Could have gotten cash earlier though, you really could have.

 

coming soon to everything near you...

The Good, the Bad and the Guy with the Cellphone Clip

 

 

Guy Who Parks Where Ever He Wants Guy

Holy Pumpkin Spiced Latte Batman!  There he is again!  It's The Guy Who Parks Where Ever He Wants Guy! 

On the yellow curb?  Sure, why not?  In front of the dumpster where employees empty the trash?  Yes sir.  Twelve feet past the last legal spot where customers conveniently pass through (or inconveniently now that you've decided to land your Passat there)?  Whatever works right guy?  Your world, your rules, your German automobile and your caffeine fix, top priority pal.  We should have known, silly us.

Look for this impatient specimen of a human to rock his hazards, double parked, while getting a sandwich on a busy street; make hard rights without using his turn signal, and drive fifty in a residential area. The worst.


Congrats 'Park Where Ever You Want Guy', you get a 4 / 5 on our Gotta Go Spector Scale!

Can I have a Stoli Redbull?

The Overly Physical Guy Friend

Oh boy, you're in a pickle.  One more groomsmen to make it eight.  It's between Cousin Mike and Vinnie, your overly physical guy friend.  You should probably go with family, but you've had one too many inebriated conversations with Vinnie that went something like this:

YOU:  It's all bullshit bro.  In the end, all you got is your family and your boys.
VIN:   Boys for life (hard punch to the arm) !!!!
YOU: You're definitely in my wedding, for sure.
VIN:  That is if we ever stop crushing chicks and decide to settle down!
YOU:  YEAH!
VIN: I will freaking crush your head though, always remember that.
YOU: Oh snap, yeah you will!

He's going to remember this.  Oh yes he is buddy.  You can't help but remember him gleeking on your arm in 8th grade lunch, towel snapping you after wrestling practice, wet-willies in study hall, crotch slap before sitting down at PF Changs, and a charlie-horse walking into the Giants game.  He never stops, ever.  If you were tougher you'd tell him to cut it out.  You'd tell him it's not your fault he was a bad D3 linebacker, but you can't, he'll beat the shit out of you.

What to do?  You and I both know he's not making the cut for the wedding.

Better wear a cup and some shoulder pads for that sitdown.